


The Scientific Method

by vidocqsociety



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-18
Updated: 2012-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-12 09:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/489605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vidocqsociety/pseuds/vidocqsociety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce and Tony have had better ideas... but they've had worse ones, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scientific Method

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for [this post](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/8247.html?thread=18586935#t18586935) over at the [kink meme](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com).
> 
> Also, I am not a science person. I am a person who got a headache five minutes into reading the Wikipedia article. So for you lovely people who are much better at science than I am, I apologize, and I ask that you just go with me on this one, for the sake of (attempted) comedy.

**Step One: Ask a Question.**

"You really can't get drunk?"

"No," Steve said from behind his newspaper. "I've tried. I failed. I stopped trying."

"I never thought Captain America would be a quitter."

"Maybe he isn't, but Steve Rogers is. At least when it comes to that."

"How much did you drink?"

Steve folded the paper down enough to look over it at Bruce. Bruce was focused on his tablet. "Pardon?"

"How much did you drink? And what?"

"Different things. I can't remember. Beer. I liked that. Falsworth drank it warm--that I didn't like. I didn't like vodka, either. Made everything taste like cough syrup. Then the time I _tried_ getting drunk..." Steve trailed off, a bitter taste suddenly flooding his mouth. He remembered sitting in that bar, drinking the first thing he grabbed. He didn't care. He just wanted to drown every voice in his head telling him it was his fault. He didn't disagree. He just didn't want to hear it anymore. "I don't remember. But there was a lot of it. And it didn't work."

Bruce propped his head on his fist and stared off out of the window, looking thoughtful.

"You've got that science look," Tony said. "What are you thinking?"

"It would be an interesting challenge, formulating something that would intoxicate the supposedly unintoxicateable--if I may coin a phrase." 

"Only if you stop with the theoretical shit and start making it a reality!" 

"I'm going to need to do research."

"You'll need to consult an expert." Tony gestured to himself. "Here I am." 

"You shouldn't be proud of that," Steve said disapprovingly.

"This from a man in pleated pants." 

"What's wrong with--?"

"I don't have time to explain to you right now. Go back to your paper, Grandpa. Bruce and I have some sciencing to do."

\----------

**Step Two: Research Your Topic.**

"...so Pepper's looking at me, dead in the eye, totally calm, and she says to me, 'Mr. Stark, I think you're forgetting something.' And that's when I realized that the only thing I was wearing was a purple button-down and one sock."

Bruce howled with laughter. "What did you do?"

"I told her that after that, I was pretty sure she could start calling me Tony."

"Oh, my God..."

"So she tells me, 'Tony, puts some pants on. You have a meeting in twenty minutes,' and walks out."

Bruce poured two more shots. "Where did you _find_ her?"

"She is a gift from God, my friend."

"What the hell are you two doing?" Steve stood in the doorway of the lab, confused and a little bit amused.

"Science," Tony said, looking very serious. "We decided that it was a travesty that you couldn't get drunk, so we are going to rectify that."

"This looks a lot like you two just sitting in the lab drinking tequila."

"No." Bruce's head shake went on just a little too long, as if he had gotten stuck. "No. This is... this is research. It's a very important step to the scientific process." Bruce sucked on a dead lime wedge. "I need some of your blood."

"Your blood," Tony said in an odd accent. "Geev eet to mee."

"Maybe when you're not drunk?" Steve asked.

Bruce nodded, again for too long. "Sounds like a plan."

Steve couldn't hold back his smile any longer. "Clint's going to be mad you didn't invite him."

"Why didn't we think of that?!" Tony cried. "We need a control! HEY CLINT COME GET DRUNK WITH US."

Clint's head appeared in the doorway. "Seriously?"

"Yes!" Bruce said, holding the bottle of tequila. "It's for science!"

Clint grabbed the bottle, took a long pull and bit into one of the untouched lime slices piled in the middle of the table. "I love science!"

\----------

**Step Three: Construct a Hypothesis.**

"I don't think you're immune to intoxication," Bruce said over breakfast the next day. He looked tired and still a bit queasy.

"You don't?"

"Alcohol--specifically ethanol--targets several primary neurotransmitter systems in your brain, which is what causes..." 

Steve blanked out at this point, watching Bruce explain but only hearing white noise. He snapped back to reality when Bruce touched his arm.

"Your eyes are glazing over there, Cap," Bruce said with a smile.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine. I'm sorry. I forget not everyone speaks science. Basically, what I'm saying is that something could be developed that would target the same areas and cause the same effects of inebriation."

"You're saying we could get him drunk?" Tony wandered into the kitchen, looking downright chipper. He poured himself coffee. "Hey, where's Barton? Still sleeping it off?"

"He went for a run," Steve said.

"He what?"

"Said something about a weekend in Tijuana with the Mexican police not having anything on last night? I didn't ask."

"Yeah, let's go with not asking. Anyway, drunk Cap." Tony gestured at Bruce with his coffee mug. "We should definitely get on that."

"That doesn't seem like a very efficient use of time," Steve said.

"Are you kidding? Of course it does. Bruce! To the lab!"

"Can I finish my toast?"

"Fine. But then, lab."

\----------

**Step Four: Test Hypothesis.**

_Attempt #1_

"It smells like floor cleaner."

"Just drink it." Tony pushed the shot glass further towards Steve with the eraser end of his pencil. "In the name of science."

Steve looked to Bruce. "Is this stuff gonna kill me?"

Bruce shrugged. "Probably not."

"That's not reassuring."

"Science is all about calculated risk."

"We're not going to kill you," Tony said. "Not on purpose at least. Now drink it."

Steve held his nose and tipped back the shot. "Oh _Jesus_!" he cried. "It _is_ floor cleaner!" He shot up and grabbed a Coke out of the fridge. "I'm not drinking any more of that. It's disgusting."

"Okay. New formula." Tony was tapped away at his tablet. "We can do that." He picked up his tablet and poked Bruce. "Back to the drawing board."

*

_Attempt #4_

"Why is it green?"

"No idea. Just drink it."

"One of these _is_ going to kill me."

"The last three haven't."

"Wouldn't the odds be that--"

"Never tell me the odds."

Steve studied Tony's delighted grin for a moment. "That's another reference I should get, isn't it?"

"Absolutely it is. How long have you been unfrozen and you still haven't see Star Wars?"

"I've had a lot of catching up to do." Steve drank his shot. "This tastes like metal."

"Huh. Must be from the gauntlet."

"The _what_?" Steve's head was a little fuzzy. "Tony, you can't use your suit--"

"Uh, I can, because it's mine. I own it. And it wasn't boiling fast enough, so I stuck the gauntlet in the thing and used the flight stablizer to move it along. It worked."

"Yeah," Bruce said. "Too well. You damn near flash boiled it and you melted the bottom of the glass to the table. It's a miracle you didn't blow up the lab."

"But I did get it super hot, super fast."

Bruce sighed. "Time-wise, it was very efficient. But--"

"Sometimes, I even amaze myself."

"That doesn't sound too hard," Bruce said.

Tony's eyes narrowed at Bruce. "I knew you'd be Leia."

*

_Attempt #9_

"No."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Because it's not a color found in nature."

"Neither is blue raspberry," said Bruce.

"What?"

"Raspberries aren't blue. No food is blue. And yet you eat blue raspberry popsicles without any problem."

"Blueberries," Steve said triumphantly.

"Are purple," Bruce said. "Drink it."

Steve downed it. They waited. Steve shook his head, grimacing. "That's not a flavor found in nature, either."

Tony sighed. Bruce looked pensive. Steve just had to pee.

*

_Attempt #12_

"What do you do with the rest of the batches I don't drink?" Steve asked. He examined the liquid in the shot glass: it was a warm amber color, and smelled like honey. Nothing too bad with that. He downed it. Tasted like it, too, with a slight citrusy kick. He gave Bruce a thumbs up.

"We've been giving them to Thor," Tony answered, pouring him another shot. Steve downed that one, too, and another. "He really liked the sixth batch."

"The one that I said tasted like gym socks?"

Bruce shrugged. "Apparently Thor likes gym socks."

A giggle escaped from Steve. He looked surprised by it. Bruce and Tony exchanged an excited look. Bingo.

\----------

**Step Five: Analyze Data**

Steve lay on the floor, laughing loudly. His jaw tingled, and he knew it was going to hurt in the morning, but he was used to that. 

"You do not easily accept defeat, do you, Captain?"

"I can do this all day." Steve staggered to his feet.

"An admirable quality! I accept your challange," Thor clapped Steve on the shoulder before leading him to the table. "But first! Another!"

"Yes!" Tony crowed. "Another! Everyone has another!" Tony poured Clint, Steve, and himself a shot each, and Thor half a coffee mug.

"What is _in_ this stuff?" Steve examined the drink. Tony downed his without a thought.

"Little of this, little of that. Was never sure what we were creating. Probably should have been testing it out on Thor, first." He clapped Thor on the shoulder. "You're harder to kill."

"I will gladly help in your scientific endeavors in any way I can," Thor said, hand to his chest. "It would be an honor."

"Excellent! Let's toast to that!" Tony poured another round and they clinked their glasses together.

"Where's the big guy?" Clint asked."

"Tapped out." Tony nodded to the couch. "

"Probably for the best. I do _not_ want to know what a drunk Hulk is like."

"You know what? Suddenly, I do." 

"No," Steve said. "No drunk Hulks. Not cleaning up that mess."

"There are people to hire for that." Tony pulled out his phone and started scrolling through contacts. "Lessee... no, no, no, no..." He stopped short. "I have Fury's personal number." 

" _What_?" Clint shot up and staggered over to Tony. He leaned heavily on the back of his chair. "How?"

"When I hacked into SHIELD's computer system. I had JARVIS download everything. I didn't know... holy shit."

Both Clint and Tony wore expressions of such unbridled joy. Something in the back of Steve's mind yelled something about this not being a good idea, but the rest of him ignored it. Instead, he threw back another shot and asked, "Who's calling him first?"

\----------

**Step Six: Communicate Results**

Nick Fury did not like waking up. He had never been a morning person, but lately, he always woke up to some public relations distaster thanks to the Avengers Initiative.

This morning, however, he woke up to something exponentially worse.

_14 new voicemails_

Stark, Tony (1:58am)  
 _♪ Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! ♪_

Rogers, Steve (2:04am)  
 _Do you have a map? Because I seem to have gotten lost in your eyes. [giggling] Eye. [laughing] HEY TONY--_

Barton, Clint (2:17am)  
 _♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to knowwwwww... someBODAAAYYYYYYYY ♪_

Rogers, Steve (2:08am)  
 _...no, Tony, because I don't get it--why would the power company go out looking for electricty, it doesn't escape, it just--_

Odinson, Thor (2:29am)  
 _FURY. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT CALLING THOSE ONE KNOWS WHILST DRINKING IS A POPULAR MIDGARDIAN PAST TIME. OUT OF RESPECT, I HAVE CALLED YOUR FIRST. HAVE A GOOD DAY._

Barton, Clint (2:36am)  
 _Sir, I just wanted to let you know that this is the_ best _assignment I have ever been given. And that I love science. [pause] SHUT UP STEVE I WILL STAY ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE IF I WANT. Okay. Bye, sir._

Rogers, Steve (2:42am)  
 _♪ I can see the judges' eyes as they handed you the prize. You must have made the cutest bow. You must've been a beautiful baby, 'cause baby look at you now... ♪_

Stark, Tony (2:54am)  
 _Seriously, sir, how_ did _you lose your eye? I asking for team morale. And I have a bet with Barton going on._

Stark, Tony (2:59am)  
 _Actually, if you can just tell him you lost it in a bar fight in Nepal, that'd be great. I'd win._

Stark, Tony (3:03am)  
 _I'll buy you a car._

Rogers, Steve (8:17am)  
 _Sir, I would just like to apologize for my previous phone call. The long-standing assumption that I can't get drunk is actually wrong, as was proven last night. I'm certainly not saying this excuses my behavior, but that it merely explains it. I hope that you will forgive me for my extreme inappropriatness. And forgive the fact that I listened to Stark and Barton. I should know better, even when I'm drunk. Again, my apologies._

Stark, Tony (8:22am)  
 _If you're nice, we'll invite you over next time. Oh, who am I kidding? No we won't._

Barton, Clint (8:27am)  
 _Sir, about last night... I regret nothing._

Potts, Pepper (8:31am)  
 _Yes, I heard. Yes, I will talk to him. [pause] Sorry._

Nick Fury turned off his phone and went back to bed. It was too early for this shit.


End file.
